Mess Mayhem and Muddle

Well today I woke up with great expectations.  I set my alarm early, as we have a little curly dog staying with us and to avoid a pee in the kitchen I try to take it out for the obligatory trot around the farm.  This went off smoothly, the sun was shining, and the air was filled with the smell of flowering rapeseed. The little dog trotted along nose on the ground, while my big dog bounded around like a mad thing, smelling everything, peeing up every available blade of grass and generally enjoying himself as usual.  Deep in thought I didn't notice that little curly dog did no more than a tiny pee at the onset of the walk.  Still in an optimistic mood we arrived back at the house and I preceded to feed the meowing outside and inside cats, make tea for a sleeping son, pour my breakfast, hang the washing on the line, water the hanging baskets, collect the eggs, check on the peacocks, fill the dogs water bowls up and make myself a coffee.  Walking back into the kitchen I stepped directly into the middle of a large puddle of pee.  Curly dog has decided that the walk wasn't for doing your daily business but just for the fun of it and the best place to relieve oneself was in the comfort of the kitchen! This I have to say was where the day took a nose dive and never recovered.  I cleaned it up only to have him do it again in another corner. He then decided to tip his water bowl up and then his food bowl.  My washing that was Lenor fresh with bursts of flower scent releasing itself into the atmosphere for days was peed on by one of the outside Tom cats before I could get it on the line. One of the indoor cats decided their dinner didn't agree with them so projectile vomited it across the floor. I then had 10 minutes before having to take my son to work.  This went smoothly and dropping him off my daughter then tells me she has a friend coming around and needs to go into town.  I get home in desperate need of a coffee and ten minutes me time only to find the man over the back of us has come around and as I walk through the door I hear him saying tea no sugar please! So I put the kettle on making him a tea and my father, who has materialised, a coffee. Curly dog now decided to evacuate his bowls on the kitchen floor and walk it around.  I then bleach the floor and put washing out on line  for a second time. I then take the bin bags down the the bins.  This is a walk which would have amounted to walking to the end of my street in the UK but here is just a walk carrying heavy bags to the bin on wheels.  As I walk along my driveway I notice all the contents of the bag are falling out and leaving a trail of going off, rotting, sticky waste on the floor.  When I look down one of the cats has torn a hole in the bag to investigate what was in it! I then rush my daughter and her friend into town to buy the very important essential hair dye! While waiting for them I decide to buy some fuel for the car.  Usually this take approximately 4 minutes as the pumps are always empty and its a straight through affair.  Not so today the whole world was out and sporting an empty tank.  It took me over 20 minutes to fill up and a further 30 minutes to pay.  I then sat in traffic trying to get out of the fuel station, a totally unheard of situation.  I find out that this is due to a bank holiday on Monday!! I then get a call from my son to say, bring a box we have caught another peacock.  My friend is passing on some of her peacocks and peahens to reduce her population.  Rushing back home to get box we head over to collect son and peacock.  After wrestling with peacock and being covered in peacock poo we duct tape box and set off for home.  When we get home I find I've missed next client and new dog has arrived which father has greeted in with soup down his front and last weeks dinner down the left let of his trousers.   He then tells me he can't have dinner as he has a very painful front tooth that's all woobly and he needs to have it seen to. Well no dentist is open at this time of the day and the only option would be to go to A&E at the local hospital.  The thought of sitting in the hospital for hours was not very high on my 'can't wait to do' list but if need must.  So I put the options to him and his reply was ' don't worry I don't mind suffering it will do me good not to eat'.  So I did him a dinner of mash potato, egg and beans and keeping my fingers crossed the tooth comes out before tomorrow. Daughter bleached her hair which didn't work, then dyed it blonde which didn't work either so that was a bit of a disaster too.   Anyway peacock settled in ok, curly dog has finished defecating in my kitchen, new dog has settled ok and I'm now in bed having my 10 minutes me time!

Morning Madness

I wake up in the morning either with the hoot of the bread ladies van, the calling of the cockerel, the hoot of the peahens or the barking of the dog, I squint at the time, check my twitter & lay thinking about the day ahead trying to muster up the energy to face the day.

When I get up I have to face 14 hungry cats, 2 big dogs, 11 chickens, 2 peahens and any staying guests we have at the time.

I have to let the indoor cats out without letting the outdoor cats in and avoiding being whisked off my feet by one large dog eager to rush out for daily treats from my dad.  Then there are the kittens who can't go out and some outdoor cats who can come in!

Its a military procedure, calling each cat by name in out or stay.  This is after I've fed them.  Feeding them is the same difficult procedure.  There are the kittens who have baby food, the indoor cats who have dry food, the outdoor cats who have tinned food, there are the cats who try to eat the wrong dinner and the dogs who likes it all.  Feeding the outdoor cats is a challenge trying not to tread on the crowding group of cats around my feet and successfully filling up bowls without dropping the food on heads that cover the bowls before you can fill them or having the cats jumping on you and knocking the food out of your hand before you even get to the bowls!

After the daily feeding routines is achieved there are the cat toilets, doggie walks and the chicken run.  The chickens are just as mad and chase after you surrounding you until you are unable to walk before you can feed them they are jumping on the bowl. Collecting the eggs and dating them is a work of art before the chickens peck you for removing their eggs and before the big speckled one eats them.

After all is fed, watered, cleaned and walked its time for my coffee and sit down!

Life on the Funny Farm!