Wednesday 21 May 2014

That Sinking Feeling

So today I stagger out of bed after being prompted by 3 alarms and go for my usual wee on the usual blocked toilet.

The routine of the morning goes something like this.  I have to make porridge for the children before they go to work.  Let the dog out for his wee on an unblocked field, and sit down with a coffee in front of the news.  After the children have gone off to work I set to carrying out the routine of unblocking the toilet.  I have mastered this procedure over the seven years of living in France.  It takes a cursory flush then a forceful, rigorous plunge.  Then four buckets of water tipped from a great height to get maximum jet action, then a wipe round with a disinfectant wipe, some foss friendly pointless cleaner (only function is to mask the ode to farmyard smell) and then a good scrub with a toilet brush and then a final four buckets of water tipped from a great height.  That concludes my daily ritual of the unblocking toilet routine.

Today though I woke up from having little sleep.  This was due to the cringe worthy, utterly embarrassing, crawl in a ball, fall down a large hole, fall asleep and never wake up type of day I had yesterday.

I had clients coming, clients to visit, the internet man was coming to fix the internet after having no phone or internet for week, an appointment with the Drs and various other things to try and fit around my already busy day.

I thought I had timed everything down to the last half hour, when a client failed to turn up in the allotted time given.  This caused a problem as I had to go out to see another client.  In my infinite wisdom I left my 84 year old dad in charge of meeting and greeting the late client.  Nothing could go wrong I thought.  I prepped him on anything and everything I thought could go wrong.  As these were new clients I had coffee ready and was going to sit and chat with them etc.  Well off I went to client and hoped and prayed all would go well.

I got back home to find another client on site and Dad said that the late client had turned up and all was well.  After a while I asked Dad if he had given them a coffee and he said no but the man had used the toilet.  No toilets are not a strong point on this farm, you would never find one in 'Homes and Gardens' and I have to be given plenty of warning if someone wants to venture in to take a leak!!

Tentatively asking him which toilet the client has used he said he had let him use the one in the long barn!!!!!!!!! My heart sank, I just wanted to sit and cry.  I asked him why he would let someone into a toilet that was broken no water in it, rubbish bags waiting to go to the bins in the village, piles of junk everywhere and a smell that would render even the most sinus challenged person unconscious.  I was speechless, what can you say when something has been done and there is nothing you can do about it?

I was always taught, in my years in client services, that if something goes wrong it's the recovery that saves the day.  The way in which you deal swiftly, calmly and with precision is how you will be remembered and the error gets forgotten.  So trying to put these words of wisdom into practice I called the client to say that everything was ok and to apologise for the toilet that wasn't a toilet but a smelly junk room, but even while talking to him I wanted to crawl into a corner and die.

I can just imagine the conversation he had with his wife about his experience in the room from hell.  So today, even though it is raining I shall be moving the junk from the room and cleaning it out and adding a sign on the door saying 'private'.

Apart from that, the internet man turned up at 8am and walked straight in my house without knocking, after propelling himself over the fence in his hydraulic lift on the back of the van (we do have a gate by the way!).  Luckily I was in my pjs not someone who walks around naked in the morning!  I then made my son a cup of tea with coffee in it and tried to put the drying up cloth back in the food cupboard.  I then spend half an hour walking on my heels and toes in the Drs room while being asked in french where it hurts!

So today, it might be raining cords (as the french say,) I am tired, the dog has come in soaked and shook all over me and the kitchen, all is well and nothing a little sleep, some chocolate and coffee won't fix.

Life on the Funny Farm remains hilarious!

Friday 16 May 2014

Juggle Juggle Juggle

The last few weeks on the 'Funny Farm' have been a mixture of running and juggling.  Trying to slot in all sorts strange things into the usual daily muck and muddle.

Last week my Dad came back from a visit to family in the UK.  He arrived back at 2am and set the whole farm off barking, squawking, meowing and growling.  After being woken up its always hard to get back to sleep and means the day ahead is just a blur. He came back with chocolate and two bottles of Baileys so looks like my diet will have to wait a bit longer.

The rain sun rain sun sort of weather we have been having has made the grass grow so high I disappeared when trying to hang the washing up.  There I was wading through the long grass hoping not to tread on a snake trying to make it to the washing line.  When there I had a small line of slightly shorter grass, having pegged up all the clothes I stood back to view the clean washing swaying in the long grass with only the pegs on show!

The trouble is my strimmer is too big for me to use and I cannot get it started.  The other problem is the mower has a blunt blade and a wire which has come unattached!  I did at one point resort to a pair of scissors to cut some of the long course grass from around the concrete pots just so you can see the little purple flowers.  I was lucky enough to have a lovely friend come over and strim some of the garden, enough for me to use a borrowed mower to battle the war of the green stuff.  The mower I borrowed was not very powerful and not really fit to tackle the mass of thick, thin, tufts, course, silky and tough grass that covers the front of my house and is known as my lawn!  Not quite the same as the lovely lawn I had in the UK.  It was silky bright green and level.  The grass here has massive holes in it which are big enough for the mower and me to fall down and with all the thick grass you are unaware you are about to follow the mower and plunge head first down a hole.  Something that I did a few times last week.  After a lot of blood, sweat and tears the green stuff is now only a couple of inches tall.  We are getting there!

Apart from that I have spent a few hours with a friend, laughing, breathing in, carrying boxes over my head, heaving, pushing,  peering, taking pictures and stacking.  All in the name of helping and being a good friend.  It's amazing how much fun you can have doing a grueling job.

Also on the agenda this week has been the hospital, Dad had several teeth out and 6 stitches.  He is now on a cold liquid diet for a few days.  Then we had to go to the Doctors and the Pharmacie and the Tax office.  The internet live box packed up and the phone now doesn't work, now have to wait until next week for them to send out an engineer.  I also found out you have to order a cheque book in France they don't just see you have used your last one and send you another as happens in the UK.  So now I have to wait over a week to get a new one.

I am now on a lovely housesit but have found out I am allergic to Tonkinese cats fur and my eyes are swollen, red and running.  Strange as I have 21 cats at home and have no problem and I'm sitting with a dog and cat curled around me and looking at a book called 'Fifty Sheds Damper' with a wipe clean cover!! hahahaha






Saturday 3 May 2014

Let's Just Say ............

This week I spent a whole day sorting clearing and changing a computer desk over with a shelving unit.

I threw loads away, moved the table outside to the cattery, where I could place the antibacterial hand gel and virus killing spray on it to be used on entry.  I organised wires, placed phones, printers and live boxes on the disinfected shelves.  I bagged up things that had got out of hand on the shelves.  I washed the floor cleaned the walls, removing the mold and boxed up things that were becoming unruly.

After all the hard work I decided to try the mango paint I have bought for the kitchen walls.  A bright sunny colour that I thought would make the mornings and wake up process a little easier.

So I slopped the paint on covering me and the walls, floors and anything in a metre radius.  I completed a small metre square patch on the wall.  Loved the colour it was just as sunny and bright as I thought it would be.

Anyway the next day my friend turned up to walk my dogs with her dog.  After this she came in for a coffee.  I told her about all my hard work. While she sat there drinking her coffee and eating chocolate cake she casually said ' well when you have finished sorting and organising the shelves it will look really good.  Love the colour of the wall.  Did you prepare the wall before you painted?

With a gulp of coffee I told her that the shelving unit was organised and completed!  She laughed her head off and said is that the best it's going to be??

As for 'preparing' the walls - what was that I asked I just slapped the paint on over everything.  She laughed again and told me all the arduous tasks you should go through before slapping paint on!!

So 'let's just say'  I am not good at DIY and I am not very good (apparently) at organising and sorting. See you learn something every day.

Chaos still reigns on the Funny Farm