I had a back that hurt from my head to my toes, across to my fingers. Every part of my back hurt and it was a struggle to put one foot in front of the other. Now on a good day I would have gone to the Drs and got some pills but at the moment all my heathcare has been frozen. After many calls no one seems to know and the only suggestion is to start again. I now have dozens of forms to fill in and copies to send and their only piece of advice was 'don't get sick'!
January, as per usual, contained no work for me and the French government, due to an inconsistency over the last few years, are topping up my money with 16 euros! So this month has been a bit tight with me finding inventive ways to make little items in the cupboard go a very long way!
Despite the bad back Ive had to help with the chopping of the wood, walking of the dogs and general manual work which I think isn't the best for my back, as reading on the internet you should rest it! Living in rural France with no money means if you want to keep warm you have to chop your wood, light your fire, cook your food and boil your water on the wood burner.
When laying on the floor in agony reflecting on all the terrible things that have happened and all the issues we have had to deal with since the start of 2013 I found myself getting upset, stressed, annoyed and angry as most of these issues would not have happened if in 2005 we had not had the misfortune to meet the infamous David Hitchcock. All the things going wrong, debts and being stuck in France are all a direct result of meeting this man.
Feeling at an all time low and on the verge of giving up, throwing the towel in and telling everyone who thinks I'm strong and always smiling that I can't do it anymore I went on the internet to speak to my friend. Hoping they would be online and able to talk I clicked in and there they were. Pouring my heart out I told them all that had happened and how low and hopeless I felt at the moment with everything weighing me down and I just couldn't see a way out. I also went on to say it was all this mans fault and we wouldn't be in this position if we hadn't met him and how I wish we could go back to 2004!
When I had finished my friend said to me you know what you have to do - you have to forgive him for everything he did to you! Until you forgive him you will never have peace, you will continually go back over the past whenever something goes wrong. You will never have inner peace and be able to move on until you can forgive him totally. This is the hardest thing I think I have ever thought about doing. After giving it a lot of thought I realised that I had forgiven my ex husband for what he had done to us and I nearly lost my life by his hand but still I had forgiven him so why should it be that difficult to forgive David Hitchcock?
I think part of the reason is that it affected my whole family and more importantly it affected my parents leaving them broke and living in poverty. Also the fact that he knew what he had done but just walked away. I think the fact that my mother died living in one room, no heating, no running water and no money has something to do with why it is so difficult to forgive. That said forgiveness has to happen at some point, otherwise we will continue to resent living here and everything about our lives. If we can't forgive we will never move on and enjoy the rest of our lives thus we are wasting a lot of time due to this man. He on the other hand has moved on living his life without a thought or care in the world.
So we need to forgive, both him and ourselves for letting him do this to us. Make a point to stop connecting everything that goes wrong with him. Allow ourselves to heal, recover, move on, regain inner peace and above all start really enjoying life again.
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