Reminiscing

I often find myself reminiscing of days gone by when I only had one bottom, my socks, matched, I only plucked my chin once a month and my life didn't revolve around animal excretion and fur.

I suspect that maybe I have lost a bum cheek or two lately, as my trousers are regularly trying to say hello to my knees and a pair of braces might be on the cards.  I found out that I had four bum cheeks a few years ago.  I was blissfully unaware that I had a couple of baguettes lounging in the middle of my bottom until I was in a little shoes shop trying on a pair of shoes when I caught sight of my back side in the slanted mirror on the floor.  I was horrified and asked my children if I had always had these two half baked baguettes wobbling about in the middle of my bottom and they replied yes!!  This is when the jumpers and t-shirts became longer and I bought a long handled bag that slung casually round the back.  Lately though I think I have downgraded to a couple of small baps as the clothing from waist down has become baggy and not willing to remain put.

I also remember my lovely mum saying to me 'If every I go into hospital don't forget my razor for my chin!' I used to laugh and never dreamt I might be in the position of having the sprouting black storks that say hello everyday.  It's as if I have covered them with miracle grow and fed them nutrients some days. I now have to have my glasses on, a magnifying mirror, a torch and tweezers just to get the little buggers before they come fully out in a flourish.

I also remember when breathing in meant you had a beautiful figure that showed off all your curves.  Nowadays breathing in means you go light headed, red in the face and nothing else changes.  Wearing an underwired bra used to be the best lift and separate garment, these days an underwired bra runs the risk of having the wire escape the bra and make its way through your clothing and up your nose.  The non underwired ones are just limp pieces of material clinging on for dear life to your swinging frontage, giving no leverage whatsoever.  The thick life support and separate bras that start at your neck and end up at your belly button, hold your whole torso in so tightly you go blue in your face and toes, you have to breath through your groin and a tsunami couldn't move anything. I've come to the conclusion that going au natural is probably the better option.


I must say that life on the Funny Farm is different, I spend my day treading on cats while trying to avoid poo, or treading in poo trying to avoid cats.  I've perfected the sniff test to see if somethings been peed on.  I spend my nights putting my father back to bed and telling him it's not morning, or tomorrow, or yesterday. Duct tape is my secret DIY tool and our whole house is held together by it. We have 100s of cats who look to us to care for them, we have lots of dogs that fart and barf (specially the bulldogs), goats and geese, ducks and chickens and life just gets funnier on the funny farm.