Domestic Violence

I was watching a programme last week where a woman was shot by her husband several times, then hanged himself,  and a few months later her 15 year old son couldn't handle what had happened and hanged himself.  The lady, although had been shot lots of time, survived and was there on the show smiling and saying if she was meant to survive all this violence and grief then she should make the most of ever day and live life to the full.

She was telling the story of how the control, or abuse, started with he husband not letting her wear certain clothes, no make-up and not allowing her to go out for a girls night, never believing anything she said always accusing her of things and becoming violent if he didn't like her answers.

This make me think back to my marriage, when I was first married I was not allowed to wear tight clothes or make-up and gradually all my friends were cut off.  I ended up with no friends and wearing baggy tops and jeans. This control went from what I wore to where I was allowed to go to following me around the house.

I spent many years being told I was useless, ugly, fat.  For anyone going through this kind of abuse its the mental abuse that does an immense amount of damage that is unseen.  It crushes self esteem and makes the person feel like they are worthless and need the abuser to look after them.  This is when the abuser has total control over their victim. When the verbal abuse is not enough it then turns to physical, they feel the need to attack their victims to show who is in control.

Usually a abuser is someone who has low self esteem, feels worthless and quite often have some sort of mental problem themselves so to do this to another person empowers them.

The victim does not realise what is happening until it has gone too far and they are then afraid to leave for fear of being attacked, plus feeling like they cannot survive on their own.

I spent many years feeling worthless, but I had a good job, one I enjoyed and had many good people there who knew me before I met my husband.  My boss had faith in me and encouraged me to take courses and to work my way up the firm.  I went to London gained an HNC and a Degree and became a manager.  I had two lives I had my important life at work, where I felt worthwhile and successful and my life at home where I had to say nothing do as I was told and just get on with household jobs.  My children spent most of their days with my loving parent and this saved them from many of their fathers outburst and violence.

In 2004 I found out that my husband, who had been really difficult for many months, violent and vicious to the children, had been abusing our daughter.  It was then that he lashed out and tried to end my life.  Out of the blue he grabbed my hair thrust my head through the banisters of the stairs and then split my head open on the coffee table and proceeded to try and strangle me.  It was my son who saved my life, he was 12 at the time, and said he had to do something because I was going blue.

The police said that they may lose the case if they went for manslaughter but he would plead guilty to GBH! This went through and he got 3 months for strangling me. He got 6 more counts for the abuse and 3 years for each count so he  should have done 18 years but they ran all counts together so he did 3 years and he finally did 15 months!

For anyone who is being controlled by their partners please take a look at why he would try to control you.  There is no reason for someone to tell you not to wear make-up or certain colours or clothes.  If you find that your friends get cut out of your life one by one due to certain reasons your partner doesn't like about them and your life gets smaller and smaller until you spend most of your time in your house then you need to wonder why.

I know that many people who are in this kind of situation think there is nothing they can do and feel trapped and lonely.  People usually don't feel they can talk to anyone and no one would believe anything they said.  They may feel silly saying oh I'm not allowed to wear make-up or certain clothes but remember this is just the beginning and the start of taking control of you and its just the start of molding you the way they want you.  Watch out for the signs when little things make them lose their temper, it all starts small but it will escalate and before you know it you are in a violent relationship.

This lady on the TV was saying that her relationship started off with the controlling and developed into violence.  He also tried to strangle her, she had no friends and didn't go out.

Please if anyone is in this kind of relationship they need to be strong and get out.  Never think there is no where for you to go and nothing you can do - you are worth while you are smart you are a valuable person you deserve a good life no one had the right to control, abuse and crush you.  Tell people never be afraid to let everyone know what you are going through and what you have to put up with on a daily basis. One Website to get help in the UK is http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

24-hour National Domestic Violence
Freephone Helpline

            0808 2000 247      

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